FRE$H

The first tumblr i ever made. I mostly use modernteenagersofthecity.tumblr.com but this is for more personal matters. Jess, 20, Toronto/ Mississauga/ Guelph

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STARTING FRESH

disregard any posts older than this one, they’re irrelevant now

the worst birthday to top every other bad birthday

can’t even describe my night last night (bringing in my bday)

so im in line and my best friend tells me she not only went on a date with the guy i was talking to, she also fucked him

then my dad texts me not even a happy birthday but paragraphs on why he can’t stand my moms side of the family and is therefore flying out of the country to New York on my birthday so he doesn’t have to see them, and about all his and my mom’s relationship issues 

then, i call my ex boyfriend (and also sometimes kinda on again off again one) out on hooking up with the girl he cheated on me with (like 3 years ago) after the last time we broke up(about 1 year ago) (he always goes back to the same girl) (and i haven’t gotten a response yet)

then, i couldn’t find my 20$ bill from my friend’s purse

then, i felt like throwing up but  couldn’t physically do it so i just felt sick

then, i find out the guy i wanted to end up with after got kicked out of line because the bouncers thought he was too drunk to get in

then, my aforementioned best friend (if thats even the title anymore) buys us hotdogs but we have to hide them in our pocket because the drunk bus doesn’t allow food on it

then, we waiting in the cold for what could’ve been more than half an hour waiting for the next bus

easily the weirdest and worst birthday

oh no

i should really go to bed because a all i can think while I’m conscious right now is ” he’s with her, he’s sleeping with her, they’re having sex right now, and she is not me” which is let me tell you, the most annoying train of though to have. which doest make sense, considering he is not the most desirable human being which brings me to wonder why this is bother me so much… it’s not that he’s anything special or out of the social norm, so I’m assuming i have some deeper complex which is making this hurt more than it should for our deeper unknown reasons which only god knows… i mean, a guy i barely known (that i made out with exactly 1 time) going home with a different girl who isn’t me probably shouldn’t bother me this much. i guess i thought it was a lot better than him and that if any rejection was going to take place, it would be by me  

ugh

i don’t know, i feel like i should just give up .i shouldn’t have to compete with another girl, someone who i consider one of my best friends, for a guy.. especially when she already has a boyfriend. she’s ‘friends’ with so many guys in that flirty cuddly way and although i’ve noticed it before it never directly affected me. i don’t even like him, thats the thing. i can’t believe she told our mutual friend that introduced me to him that she doesn’t want me to get with him because she doesn’t want the houses mixing… as if she even gets a say in it. its my house and my friends and you don’t get to choose who i hang out with. just awkwardness and resentment all around. when we were all over there last night i realized that nothing will ever come of it because there will never be a time that she doesn’t insert herself into situations- whether its be texting him all the time (yeah i saw that), by coming over to our pre drinks although she isn’t even legal yet, etc.. she will always find a way to be on closer and better terms with him than me because they met and became friends with him before i was ever introduced to him. its a good thing i haven’t made an effort to even be friends or anything with him or anyone in that house yet so it can just be like our kiss never happened. i mean, she sure wants to make it seem like it didn’t so that her delicate balance of boys she can flirt with won’t be disrupted by my possible love life. ugh. 

coughs

so my roommate got sick and doesn’t take any medication other than advil and tylenol. like, if you want a slow and painful recovery thats fine but you live with 5 other people who need to be functioning to keep up with school and friends and life in general. it’s so annoying. anyways, i got some proper cough syrup to help me get better faster and i made sure (i think) to get the non-drowsy one so that i can take it in the mornings and go to school without feeling weird. but i just took it now and i feel ridiculous. not ‘high’, really, just different and out of body. like I’m almost scared to sleep because i didn’t feel like this when i took it yesterday. maybe it could be because the most I’ve eaten today was mcnuggets and some coke but that was pretty recently so idk WHAT IS HAPPENING. 

-

when the one guy that hates you the most is in charge of inviting people to someone else’s house party that includes pretty much every childhood/ teenage friend you’ve had but conveniently (but also obviously) doesn’t invite you…

But then friends ask why you weren’t there and you realize you werent invited, and start to think that everyone hates you and youre alone in the world. But after talking to the host you figure it all out and even make plans to hang out and catch up tomorrow in spite of all that>
(feeling a little more loved than an hour ago when I heard about all this)

You can exclude me from group hangouts all you want but you can’t stop me from keeping in touch with my friends, lol

death

6 years and 3 months

the 12th has always been significant to me

6 years ago today my papa passed away and god knows ive yet to find someone who can restore my faith in humanity, as no one comes remotely close to how amazing of a person he was

3 months ago on this day, the 12th, I cried in my room while realizing that after that night I would probably not hear from you for a very long time

in the 5 months I had known you, you were the closest anyone’s ever come to reminding me of him

dead to me

all these people are dead to me

some literally, some in a matter-of-fact way

the difference lies in who can we keep alive in our hearts

trying to make sushi.. #trying

trying to make sushi.. #trying

FUCK

if i get my period between now and 4:00 AM tomorrow morning i am taking that as God personally  cockblocking and i’ll take His intervening as the ultimate sign that WE ARE NOT MEANT TO BE (or meant to have sex, either/or) 

ugh

you know when you don’t actively like someone but you know that you could.. 

i mean that you know you don’t have feelings for the person right now but with time spent together you’d definitely fall for them?

and then they give you 0.2% of attention and you’re like UGH you’re so sweet but you don’t want to make it weird by making a move or doing something that’ll ruin your friendship or make it awkward

but but but gamechanger then they make a move on you in the form of a kiss and that’s great and all

but i sort of wish it didn’t end up happening because now I’m stuck wondering if it was just a cute little ‘hey we’re drunk why not’ kiss or a ‘hey i like you’ kiss

but we both weren’t that drunk, i’d even say we were closer to sober than we were to drunk

and i don’t wanna bring it up because defining it is what causes all the awkwardness, if there was to be any

so i should definitely let it go because it probably doesn’t mean anything, and he didn’t ask for my number, and he went home instead of coming to the next party (although, given, he had an early lecture the next morning and was saying well before that that he was heading home soon)

but still he’s such a sweet person

DO YOU SEE MY DILEMA 

woo money

checked my banking online today just to realize my job payed me (again for some reason) and i made my first 10k! not a huge amount but seeing as i’ve only worked 1 summer job in my life im pretty happy about it!

again

im nervous that it’s going to happen and the entire time my mind will be wandering back to the last time

it’s always the last time

i just want to have new experiences without being reminded of past ones

i guess what im feeling is that im scared i wont ever forget it

or i wont ever feel enough again to not have to compare it

does that make sense?

i have no idea what im trying to explain.. god i cant even follow my own train of thought